Dennis Haysbert has a stranglehold on reality

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/2008-07-01-haysbert-obama_N.htm

"If anything, my portrayal of David Palmer, I think, may have helped open the eyes of the American people," said the actor, who has contributed $2,300 to the Illinois Democrat's presidential campaign.

"And I mean the American people from across the board — from the poorest to the richest, every color and creed, every religious base — to prove the possibility there could be an African-American president, a female president, any type of president that puts the people first," he said Tuesday.



next up, Tiny Lister speaks about how his role as the first black Galactic President paves the way for future black Galactic Presidents





jesus jumping christ just make this motherfucker an obama rosary already and get it over with


$2300 IS LIKE A FUCKING BURGER COMBO IN HOLLYWOOD

Ho at Liquor Sto Crams Hooch in Cooch

Talk about a Dirty Martini:

God bless Google ads

A while back, I decided that I might be able to get some beer and smokes money by placing Google ads on my other blog. The fact that I've only made something like a buck and change, due to the fact that nobody gives a damn about my abject poverty isn't why I'm mentioning this. But you're all a bunch of bastards for ignoring my needs. Really.

The reason I'm posting this here, besides the fact that the good folks at Google told me that the content of my other blog would determine what ads showed up there, is the fact that this is pure, unadultarated comedy gold:

Damn. You've gotta love teh internets.

I love it when we're cruisin' together

I'm guessing Jose is the one with the facial hair.

(Via CraigC.)

So, did she Spitzer swallow?

I've been holding onto that one all day long.

I know, I know, probably should've kept holding onto it.




Well, that's really the only joke I have about the whole "I'm gonna bust up all the whoring around except for, you know, when I wanna do it - and hey, you're not recording this, are you?" Eliot Spitzer deal. I don't even know that much about it. Except that I thought it was pretty funny when it popped into my head earlier. In my defense, I was breathing a lot of paint fumes. Today was my day off.

I don't think I'd ever pay for a hooker. I'd keep thinking about all the DVDs and video games I could've bought instead, and the whole thing would turn out a lot like those games at Wal-Mart where you get the prize almost to the top and then it falls out of the claw but you can still see it on top of the prize pile, laughing at you. And then the Price Is Right fail music plays.

Five thousand dollars. A $5000 hooker better drive me around like Miss Daisy for at least six months. And bathe me. And fix my truck. And do my shopping. And cook. Besides all the constant sex.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that I'm never getting married.

St. Patrick's Day is coming!

And, really, what better way to say, "Slap A Restraining Order On Me, I'm Irish," than with one of these, er, treats? That special someone in whose bushes you've been lurking will be...charmed, I'm sure.

The best part is that the next day, you can just blame it on the fact that you were drunk off your ass!

Suggested Pen Names for the Aspiring Stripper-Screenwriter

Now that Diablo Cody's all over the damned place lately, I got to thinking about other names strippers with a story to tell (and doesn't every stripper have a story to tell?) can use, to maybe do a little coattail-riding and hopefully write themselves away from a life of bacteria-coated dollar bills being crammed into the ass crack of their thongs while being vomited on by middle-aged alcoholic businessmen. If you've got the talent, maybe you could have those bacteria-coated dollar bills crammed into the ass crack of your thong while being vomited on by middle-aged alcoholic Hollywood Producers!

Diablo Cody is a badass stripper-turned-author name. You need a badass stripper-turned-author name which reminds people of Diablo Cody and all that Juno money, so you can maybe score a direct-to-dvd gig which Blockbuster will place on the shelf next to Juno in the hopes that stupid people will rent it without realizing the difference.

Feel free to use any of these stripper names in the byline of your next heartfelt screenplay about a quirky girl getting into trouble and becoming a woman too fast:

Purgatory Porscha

Mephistopheles Montana

Lucifer Lapdance

Dusty Diabolique

Bambi Belial

Her Satanic Majesty Taffy

Houston Hellish

Tiffany, Princess of Darkness

Whisper Wormwood

Beelzebubbles

Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.

The candyman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good...

Who can take a sunrise?

Sprinkle it in dew?

Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two?

...

Yeah.

That link? On the border of not being safe for work. Hint: Chocolate Party Hats.

I don't really have any other jokes for this. Do I really need any?