Separate the Weak from the Obsolete

So! East or West? Who's more arrogant?

While you're off answering that, I'll bore any non-American readers (we have those, right? I was explicitly told this gig was big time) by explaining briefly why California sucks:

. . . wait. I just did a little research, and it turns out, California doesn't suck. It's actually pretty nice there. Good weather. Nice landscape.

Californians, on the other hand, have much to answer for. My fellow bloggers Space considerations prevent me from detailing more than one item from this extensive list, so let's just focus on the most obnoxious one: The way Californians refuse to quit moving to everymotherfuckingplaceelse on the planet, while still maintaining that Cali es numero uno.

This is how people get shot, Californians.

I know you are a mellow and amiable people, much averse to abstract academic concepts like "logic," but put down the bong for just a second and ponder this, because I promise you, it will blow your mind in a way that no kind bud has ever done:

If your state is number one, why are you leaving it? If I have a Porsche 911 in the driveway--or in the garage, rather, where thugs can't be stealing it--I am for damn sure not trading it in for a Geo Metro, you know what I'm saying?

You ARE leaving, Californians. You've been leaving that number-one state since before Reagan was president, though you really picked up the pace of your collective stampede after you dropped Ronnie off at the White House ("here, you take him") and, well, who could blame you? I know Georgia gave us a damn peanut farmer, but Georgia at least had the excuse that it had absolutely nothing else to offer the nation. For such a number-one state you could have done a lot better there, California. I don't think you were really giving the country your best effort.

Now I find out you've all decided to invade Idaho. What did Idaho ever do to you, California? That was a perfectly harmless state full of potatoes, Mormons, and ski resorts, not necessarily in that exact order of quantity, and then you--all of a sudden you just--what? What got into you, Californians?

Was it Napoleon Dynamite? Dudes, Napoleon Dynamite was a MOVIE. Your state makes a lot of those, remember? Remember how they're pretend? Not real? Made up? I--oh now just stop that, they are not either "made of dreams." Didn't I tell you to put the bong down earlier? . . . right. Well, put it down again. This is serious!

Californians, the rest of the country is fed to the teeth with taking in your tirelessly cheerful, yet remarkably laid-back, pom-pom-waving-for-that-number-one-state-they're-fleeing, tanned, athletic, sunny little refugees.

You know this doesn't happen with any other states, don't you? No one moves from Arkansas to, say, Florida, and then saunters all over Miami twanging about how great the moonshine was jes' up north a' Fayetteville, or how much fun it was workin' in the Tyson chicken plant with Unca Jed, or how in Arkansas folks always did things this-a-way 'stead of that-a-way, and how this-a-way really was better, 'fraid to say, and all y'all here down in Florida, you might want to give doin' thangs how we done up in Arkansas a try sometime! Have a nice day!

No, Californians, you know this does not occur, not even in dreams. The former Arkansan keeps his scraggletoothed mouth shut in Miami, and while you know and I know and everyone knows that is because no one in his right mind admits to coming from Arkansas--what? Yes, yes, except that one guy who was President for a time, I know, I know, blue dress, semen, cigar, meaning of "is"--look, just forget it. Arkansas was maybe not the best example. In fact, Arkansans, you have a few things to answer for yourselves. Stop looking so smug; it doesn't go well with the rickets.

Californians, Idaho does not even border California. Then again, neither does Washington, and that never stopped you from swarming it either. Still, at least Washington's got a coastline. In some parts it's even got an economy. I know how important both those features are to you, Californians, because you never, ever shut up about California's coastline and California's economy. Even in flight, your relentless chirping boasts of stock options and dolphins, stock options and dolphins THAT YOU ARE LEAVING.

And now Idaho? This has gone too far, Californians. Pretty soon the rest of us will have no choice but to move up to Canada or down to Mexico just to get us some peace. You're getting to be like cockroaches after the lights have flipped on for the rest of us, Californians--none of us knows where to aim the shoe first anymore. We just close our eyes and swing and know we'll hit a few thousand of you.

And do you say, "Oops! Sorry! Didn't mean to make your property taxes skyrocket like that!" and slink away in shame like decent people would? You do not! You get all mad at US, as if it were our fault your state got to be just a little too number-one to actually live in!

"Aieee! I used to be a dot-commer!"

"Aieee! I lost my house in an earthquake!"

"Aieee! I was never able to afford a house in the first place! I'm sixty fucking years old!"

"Aieee! A buncha Bubbas from Enron just played my state's energy market like a poker chip!"

"Aieee! Landslides!"

"Aieee! Wildfires!"

"Aieee! Pollution!"

"Aieee! Governator!"

Oh, sure, that's a mighty fine number-one state you got there, Californians!

NOW STAY IN IT.

This has been a Public Service Announcement from the rest of the motherfucking country.