Last-Minute Halloween Costume Ideas, Part 2

1. JAME GUMB FROM SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

What you will need:

A dirty blond wig
Lipstick
Eye Shadow
Eye Liner
A pair of flesh-colored or beige/tan panties
A fake goatee
A red kimono
A nonpermanent marker
glue
Basket
Lotion
slippers

What you will NOT need:

A sense of shame

Directions:

Make your face up tramp-style and put on the wig. Glue the fake goatee to the front of the flesh-colored or beige/tan panties. When the glue is dry, put the panties on - now it looks like you're tucking without actually having to tuck. Remain shirtless and pantless. Draw a small tattoo on your side, if you wish. Put your slippers on. Talk like you have a hairlip, and ask everyone if they would fuck you, because you would fuck you. You would fuck you hard. Put the fucking lotion in the basket, and carry it around. Bonus points if you carry around a small audio player and dance to "Goodbye Horses."


2. LINDA BLAIR FROM THE EXORCIST

What you will need:

Nightgown with a distinct front
slippers
green makeup
grey makeup
white makeup
baby powder or colorless foundation
eyeliner
can of split pea soup
thermos or container for soup
cross
Bra
something to pad bra with
Hair gel


Directions:

If you're a woman, tape down your boobs or wear something which flattens them to your chest. Stuff the bra, and put it on with the boob cups on your back -backwards, in other words. Put the gown on backwards, as well. See, now it sort of looks like your head is spun around. I know, I know, but this is low-budget, remember? Take the green makeup and mix a bit of the grey and white with it, and apply to face and neck. Take some of the grey makeup and accentuate your eye sockets, making sure to feather the edges. Take a bit of the white makeup and line your lips with it, and then take the eyeliner and draw "cracks" on your lips. Dust it all down with a slight amount of the Baby powder or foundation powder. Put the hair gel in your hair and string it out. Put the soup in the container, and at random points during the evening when no one is looking take a mouthful and mock-projectile-vomit it out. Carry the cross - it's up to you whether you fake masturbating with it or say the lines. If you want to go to Hell, go for it.



3. Tobias Fünke FROM ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

What you will need:

Blue makeup (lots and lots of it)
Mustache (or something to draw a mustache with, like an eyeliner pencil)
Daisy Duke cut-off jeans with the pockets hanging out
thin-rimmed glasses
Boots
Colorless foundation powder

This works best if you are bald, but if you aren't just slick your hair down and back and apply the blue makeup over it. Cover yourself with the blue makeup, and dust it all down with the powder. If you have no mustache, draw one with the eyeliner. Put your jeans on, and make sure the pockets are hanging out. Put your glasses and your boots on. Tell everyone that you're afraid you just blue yourself.



Copy, paste, and print this picture out in multiples on cardstock, cut them out business-card-size, and pass them out to whomever you meet:





















Back tomorrow with more Halloween memories, and (hopefully) my second Halloween Special podcast. Don't forget to download my first Halloween Special Podcast!