...and this little piggy went, "What the hell?"

You've got to love a story that starts out like this:

NEW YORK - Jeshuah Fuller's parents expected him to be born with extra fingers. The extra toes, though, were a surprise.

Unfortunately, the article doesn't delve into whether or not the family comes from "circus people."

Asia-related Question

If there were five or six packs of soy sauce which had been, say, sitting in a kitchen drawer for about two years, would that soy sauce turn into some kind of weird alcoholic Chinese and/or Japanese beverage (because they have soy sauce in both types of restaurants)? Because if it does, then I have some drinking experiments to perform.

Lonely is the food court

click to enlarge

Myspace Spammers Are Funny

I Have Popeye Issues

So I've been watching the Popeye DVD set which came out last month. It's all the Fleischer Black and White Popeye cartoons from 1933-1938, along with two of the lengthier color cartoons from the period. It's a great set, and I'm having a blast chipping away at it a few cartoons at the time (you really shouldn't watch more than two or three Popeye cartoons in one sitting, because they all tend to blend together). I have a few observations, and a few questions:

Popeye is kind of an asshole in these early shorts. Almost every cartoon I've seen so far opens with him sailing somewhere, riding on a boat or a whale or a shark or whatever, singing his theme song. The dude has a theme song which he sings himself. I should do that, just make up my own theme song and sing it wherever I go. Usually Popeye is standing at the bow of a boat, with Olive Oyl in the rear doing all the rowing. So, giant ego and abusive boyfriend. He also walks right past a cop being held up by a robber in one cartoon.

He's also ugly. I don't mean that "Cute-Ugly" that he is in the 1950s cartoons, with his twinkling eye and spotless white sailor suit. No, this Popeye looks like someone backed over his face with a garbage truck, and then dumped the garbage on it.

He's quick to scrap in these. It doesn't take much for Popeye to start swinging those bloated forearms at some hapless schmuck. And the spinach is always a last resort. Popeye fights until he starts losing, then he eats the spinach, so he's sort of an early steroid case who cheats whenever he's in a slump. And he sometimes starts the fights himself. When he was trying to keep it quiet so this baby (Swee Pea, I believe, although not named in the cartoon) would sleep and not bust out bawling, he pretty much beat the sh!t out of the entire town he was in. He even sent a punch through the radio lines and out of the microphone into the face of a guy singing.

You know what? F*ck Olive Oyl. She's clearly Popeye's gal in these first cartoons (later cartoons would almost always center around Popeye and Bluto/Brutus competing for her anorexic charms), but she's quick to dump him for some other dude. Or she'll lead on that stumblebum Bluto for a while, and then when he gives in to his natural impulses she'll start screaming for Popeye, who like an idiot always comes running even though she basically just told him to go f*ck himself not two minutes before.

Am I the only one who feels a little bit sorry for Bluto? I mean, he always - ALWAYS - gets the living crap kicked out of him by Popeye, and most of the time it's because Olive Oyl was just using him to make Popeye jealous. He takes it too far, sure, and he never knows when to just leave sh!t alone, but he's not totally at fault here. Maybe Popeye should be eating some spinach and beating the crap out of Olive Oyl instead for causing all that trouble.

And why is every dude so attracted to Olive Oyl? She's vain, and mean, and jealous, and conniving, and petty, and pretty much a total bitch to everyone she meets - oh, okay, I get it now. Never mind.

So Olive Oyl can eat a dick. Although...considering Popeye makes her row the boat everywhere, maybe I am being too harsh.

Okay, so Popeye eats the spinach and then he gets strong enough to black the world's eyes. Why doesn't he just eat the spinach all the time? I know that if I found out spinach gave me superpowers I'd be chewing a mouthful every waking moment. "Look, there's that weird dude with the spinach always stuck in his teeth. No, wait, don't look. If he sees us staring he'll come over here and knock our faces through the back of our heads." At the very least, why doesn't Popeye eat the spinach at the start of the fight and just get it over with? All Popeye paths lead to the spinach eventually, so why not take the shortcut?

What the hell is up with Wimpy? Where did he come from? Why is he always hungry? Does he have a tapeworm or some alien parasite in there which can only feed on hamburgers and is contantly leeching away all the nutrients deposited in Wimpy's bulging stomach? I would watch that cartoon.

They don't have a "slaughter rule" in the Big Leagues

Ouch!

Yes, I'm an April Winchell fanboy. Wanna fight about it?

My favoritest source of funny in the world, April Winchell, has just updated her site and stepped into the 20th Century. As a special treat, she also decided to update her mp3 library with a bunch of new crap and better quality versions of old crap.

I won't link any of the audio here, so you can suck down her bandwidth directly (um, yeah, moving along). But she's got things organized into piles like:

* Teen Spirit Covers (Polka!!)
* Corporate Music (Dryclean When You Care)
* TV Theme Covers (Sammy Davis, Jr., you're gonna make it after all!)
* Spoken Word (Just when you thought you'd never find that bedwetting hypnosis tape.)
* Audio Collage and Mash-Ups (I will pull down a copy of "I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Dictionaraoke on my site.)
* Celebrities Who Insist On Singing (no further description necessary)
* Celebrities Who Can't Sing, So They Talk To Music
* Things You Probably Weren't Supposed To Hear (I love the Jim Backus one.)
* Beatles Covers
* Stairway to Heaven
* Learn Italian with Fabio
* Chicken Songs
* Terrifying Christian Recordings ("Menstruation is God's Plan")
* Bizarre Covers ("Black Hole Sun" by Steve and Eydie gave me this brain tumor!)
* And sooooo much more!

Anywho, with categories like these, how can you resist wallowing in the April freshness?

School spirit

On the Wikipedia page for my high school, one of the few people listed under the "Notable alumni" section is a porn star.

And to answer your question, yes, I looked her up online.

And to answer your other question, yes, she does good work. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some...uh...work...to do. Yeah. Work. That's the ticket.

i swear this will make you smile

And Now We Know Just How Deep The Obsession Can Go...Not That We Wanted To.

Remember this? Now I know what sort of environment one needs while reading the ravishing romances:

It's for a king sized set of bedsheets (auctioned on EBay here), so methinks the set isn't intended for the five year old fans.

--shudder--

Maybe "Chocolate Rain" wasn't so bad after all

At the very least, Tay Zonday didn't subject us to any shower scenes.



(Via SarahW.)

My Gift To You!

Today is my birthday, thus I give you this, a mini-contest. Using the words on the pictured label, please come up with as many porn movie titles as possible.

My entry: "Beaver Mustard: Inside the Factory."

I may be old(er), but my sense of humor remains in 8th grade.

Woman Gets Lead Out of Head After 55 Years

After being plagued for 55 years with the torment of a pencil lodged in her head, a German woman has finally had it removed.

Margaret Wegner, now 59, was 4 years old when she fell while carrying the 3.15 inch-long pencil, which went through her cheek and into her brain.

"It bored right through the skin and disappeared into my head," Wegner told Germany's best-selling newspaper, Bild. "It hurt like crazy."

In celebration of the pending removal, prior to the surgery Mrs. Wegner sneezed out a letter of recommendation to the pencil manufacturer.

full story here

I bet they even deep-fry the cereal

WENDY'S DEATH MOGUL

You know, I just can't help but feel like we aren't killing our customers quickly enough, given the limited amount of time our restaurants are open during the day. How can we solve this?

ASSISTANT

We had the marketing boys mock-up a breakfast menu for just such a situation, Sir.

WENDY'S DEATH MOGUL

Why, this...this is genius! Somebody's getting an extra carton of smokes this week!

Let's dissect this menu, in the form of a question-and-answer done reverse-style:

ANSWER:

QUESTION:

I'd like to see someone in physical pain as they're eating. What should I feed them?

ANSWER:

QUESTION:

No, no, I want to see them clutching at the front of their shirt as their lips turn blue. Do you have anything that does that?

ANSWER:

QUESTION:

I'm a sadomasochist. I'm planning on jogging nonstop to the ocean furthest away from me, and I need a single food which will supply all the calories I'll need, as well as induce piercing stomach cramps and uncontrollable explosive diarrhea. Using these guidelines, what can your chefs concoct to fulfill my needs?

ANSWER:

QUESTION:
If I ate every single item on this menu in one sitting, can you describe what my heart and blood supply would look like after I finished?


ANSWER:

QUESTION:

Which one of you fucktards stepped on my biscuit?

ANSWER:

QUESTION:

There's something healthy on this menu. How can we steer people away from purchasing and consuming it?

Sexual harassment

Yes, I know it's old, but it still cracks me up.