Meeting the Mayor of Crazytown

Sometimes, there are drawbacks to being an ordinary, decent human being.

F'rinstance, let's say you want to go out to have a few drinks and a good time with some friends. So you go to a bar and sit down to the right of a perfect stranger who, without warning, begins to rave and gibber at you about how everyone's out to get her, how her plate of ribs was too expensive ("Thirteen bucks! Can you believe that? I don't have that kind of money!"), how her husband is a stupid fat lying jerk keeping her from her children, how her roommate (a Dutch-Indonesian "bulldyge") called her a whore and wants to kick her ass for no apparent reason, how she was once a "Hollywood actress" and was going to get back into acting if her stupid fat lying jerk husband wasn't sabotaging things, how she just got a job as a schoolteacher, how she spent all day in the hot sun selling flowers on the street (the schoolteacher job doesn't provide enough cash for ribs and beer, apparently), how she's smarter than everyone, how beautiful her son is but she doesn't have any pictures because her stupid fat lying jerk husband put them in storage and made her pay for the rent, how beautiful she still is at 45 ("Did I tell you I was 45?"), etc. until you want to take her by the shoulders, shake her as hard as you possibly can, and scream at the top of your lungs, "LISTEN HERE, LADY: YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T KICK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU BECAUSE HE'S JUST A BIG, STUPID JERK! HE DID THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE A BUG-EYED, BATSHIT CRAZY FUCKING BITCH! YOU. ARE. INSANE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! SHUT THE HELL UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

But instead, you simply smile a wan little smile, nod at her, and say things like, "Oh, really?" and, "Ah, I see," or, "Is that so?" Because you're an ordinary, decent human being.

God, it sucks to be an ordinary, decent human being sometimes.

First Zombies, Now Renegade Ninja Chicks

First THIS HAPPENS, and now Ninja Chicks are robbing gas stations. The world is either turning into a video game, or a Golan-Globus movie from 1985.





I love the astute observation from Police Chief Robert Amann at the end:

"Those, uh, swords, uh, daggers, uh, whatever they may have been carrying, they can be used to seriously harm our victim, so, uh, it's a very serious crime."

Thanks, Columbo!

Kneel before Zod!

At last! A presidential candidate worthy of my obeisance.

General Zod 2008

I especially like that he's thought of the children. From his Kids Page:

Fun with math
1. Mommy and Daddy did not give General Zod all of their worldly possessions, so they were sentenced to 5000 days in prison. How many years is this? (Hint: There are 365 days in a year)
2. Non drops a man from a height of 20,000 feet. If the man falls at 200 feet per second, how many seconds will it take for him to hit the ground?
3. An uprising occurs in a city with 100,000 people and one percent of them are jailed. If 100 people can be re-educated in one month, how long will it take before everybody is free again?
4. If a country's gross national product (the value of all the goods and services it produces) is $100 million and all of it is given in tribute to General Zod, how much interest will General Zod make in one year if General Zod sets a 60% interest rate?
5. If each person on the Planet Houston knows five informants, and it takes ten minutes to relay a report, how quickly will General Zod learn about his picture being defaced in a town of 500 people?

It's A Charo Monday

At least the weather forecast didn't include flavored rain

The local Fox station had a super-newsworthy report on tonight's Ten O'clock News on...Tay Zonday. And no, I'm not kidding. Tomorrow night's exposé on the "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" controversy should prove to be even more hard-hitting.

Bear in mind that the station's promos for this newscast talk about how they get stories "the other guys can't...or are afraid to." Yeah.

and then the midget shit himself

I'm feeling under the weather and needed some entertainment. So I turned to R. Kelly. Just a little something beautiful I thought I'd share with you.



Then Bridget bust in the kitchen with a double barrel
sayin "james i can't let you do this" Then he looks at her and says what?
You shoot me for this fuckin midget?
she says "I love him" The midget say No, Bridget!

Oh, R. Kelly, you crazy child molester, you. If we didn't know better, we might think you were trying for an insanity defense at your next trial.

Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Look on YouTube for the latest chapters. I don't want to watch them because I'm afraid they just won't live up to the magnum opus of Chapter 10.

Yeah, I know it's old...

...but this thing still cracks me up.

(By the way, if you don't get it, that's a good thing. It means you're not anywhere near as colossal a dork as I am.)

It's A Sideshow World...

I'm not gonna make a habit out of hyping my own stuff on here, but this is special, and some of it will be humor-related (there's dark humor laced throughout all of it, really).

The freakStomp Novelties official blog, The Barker's Blog, launches today:

http://sideshowbarker.blogspot.com/

Every Monday through Friday, there'll be something entertaining posted there. Behind the Scenes artwork, freaky facts and trivia, magic tricks, weird stories, comic strips, contests, and "friends of freakStomp" which will spotlight any photos you send in of yourselves wearing or holding freakStomp merchandise. Our weekly featurette, Freak of the Week, featuring real-life human oddities illustrated by Rick Eller (RelleR) and Leo daWolf, launches the festivities. It's hosted by The Barker, and that guy, well...he's out there in the out there.

This Friday there'll be something of particular interest to fans of Golden Age comics and corny humor, so be sure and check that out.

So go and tell The Barker hello, and remember to keep checking it out Monday through Friday. Add it to your blogroll or link section or whatever. Have fun!

Oh, yeah, as soon as we figure out what the hell we're doing technically and find the time, our podcast, the freakStomp Novelties Revival Tent, will be hitting the airwaves.

/crass commercialism

I would make an "Agony of De Feet" joke...

...but that would be pretty friggin' lame.

Suffice it to say, if you have an orifice you wish to have filled, or wish to fill an orifice yourself, some enterprising business out there probably has you covered on the silicone front.

So if you have a spare $105 and you're a goddamned freak, you might want to check this out.

NOT. SAFE. FOR. WORK.

Plus, you only get one. What a rip.

Although, if I were visiting relatives out of town this holiday season and I had money to burn, I would totally buy one of those and make sure it fell out of a pocket or a bag right in front of everyone about five minutes after I got there. Or maybe I'd save it until everyone sat down for dinner, and let it drop on the table as I reached for some candied yams or something. I like my holidays to be filled with awkward silences.

The decline and fall of Western Civilization: drugstore edition

So, my mom went to the local CVS the other day, where she picked up various items which cost $21.48. She handed the cashier exactly twenty-two bucks in good old American greenbacks. The girl behind the register, apparently baffled by this non-exact-change transaction had to go find a calculator to figure out the correct change, and in my dear old mother's words, "she had trouble with the calculator, too." I honestly have no idea why the cash register didn't tell her that she had to dish out 52 cents.

Anyway, I would like to welcome our new alien, Morlock, or Chinese overlords, whichever the case may be. Because we're totally screwed.

Meet Chris Crocker

. . . also known as "The ONLY Person in the United States Whose Heart Bleeds More for Britney Spears Right Now than Mine Does."



Millions of gallons of blood more, but, well, you know, I do what I can. Look, I'm only one person! Stop it! You stop picking on me an' Britney RIGHT NOW!

(Britney? Call me! We have to have a little heart-to-heart about them margaritas, girl. Tequila love is a cruel love. Believe me, I know.)

What kind of crazy, mixed-up world do we live in...

...where Paul Giamatti (he'll always be "Pig Vomit" to me) gets higher billing in a movie's credits than Monica Bellucci?

That's just wrong.

Separate the Weak from the Obsolete

So! East or West? Who's more arrogant?

While you're off answering that, I'll bore any non-American readers (we have those, right? I was explicitly told this gig was big time) by explaining briefly why California sucks:

. . . wait. I just did a little research, and it turns out, California doesn't suck. It's actually pretty nice there. Good weather. Nice landscape.

Californians, on the other hand, have much to answer for. My fellow bloggers Space considerations prevent me from detailing more than one item from this extensive list, so let's just focus on the most obnoxious one: The way Californians refuse to quit moving to everymotherfuckingplaceelse on the planet, while still maintaining that Cali es numero uno.

This is how people get shot, Californians.

I know you are a mellow and amiable people, much averse to abstract academic concepts like "logic," but put down the bong for just a second and ponder this, because I promise you, it will blow your mind in a way that no kind bud has ever done:

If your state is number one, why are you leaving it? If I have a Porsche 911 in the driveway--or in the garage, rather, where thugs can't be stealing it--I am for damn sure not trading it in for a Geo Metro, you know what I'm saying?

You ARE leaving, Californians. You've been leaving that number-one state since before Reagan was president, though you really picked up the pace of your collective stampede after you dropped Ronnie off at the White House ("here, you take him") and, well, who could blame you? I know Georgia gave us a damn peanut farmer, but Georgia at least had the excuse that it had absolutely nothing else to offer the nation. For such a number-one state you could have done a lot better there, California. I don't think you were really giving the country your best effort.

Now I find out you've all decided to invade Idaho. What did Idaho ever do to you, California? That was a perfectly harmless state full of potatoes, Mormons, and ski resorts, not necessarily in that exact order of quantity, and then you--all of a sudden you just--what? What got into you, Californians?

Was it Napoleon Dynamite? Dudes, Napoleon Dynamite was a MOVIE. Your state makes a lot of those, remember? Remember how they're pretend? Not real? Made up? I--oh now just stop that, they are not either "made of dreams." Didn't I tell you to put the bong down earlier? . . . right. Well, put it down again. This is serious!

Californians, the rest of the country is fed to the teeth with taking in your tirelessly cheerful, yet remarkably laid-back, pom-pom-waving-for-that-number-one-state-they're-fleeing, tanned, athletic, sunny little refugees.

You know this doesn't happen with any other states, don't you? No one moves from Arkansas to, say, Florida, and then saunters all over Miami twanging about how great the moonshine was jes' up north a' Fayetteville, or how much fun it was workin' in the Tyson chicken plant with Unca Jed, or how in Arkansas folks always did things this-a-way 'stead of that-a-way, and how this-a-way really was better, 'fraid to say, and all y'all here down in Florida, you might want to give doin' thangs how we done up in Arkansas a try sometime! Have a nice day!

No, Californians, you know this does not occur, not even in dreams. The former Arkansan keeps his scraggletoothed mouth shut in Miami, and while you know and I know and everyone knows that is because no one in his right mind admits to coming from Arkansas--what? Yes, yes, except that one guy who was President for a time, I know, I know, blue dress, semen, cigar, meaning of "is"--look, just forget it. Arkansas was maybe not the best example. In fact, Arkansans, you have a few things to answer for yourselves. Stop looking so smug; it doesn't go well with the rickets.

Californians, Idaho does not even border California. Then again, neither does Washington, and that never stopped you from swarming it either. Still, at least Washington's got a coastline. In some parts it's even got an economy. I know how important both those features are to you, Californians, because you never, ever shut up about California's coastline and California's economy. Even in flight, your relentless chirping boasts of stock options and dolphins, stock options and dolphins THAT YOU ARE LEAVING.

And now Idaho? This has gone too far, Californians. Pretty soon the rest of us will have no choice but to move up to Canada or down to Mexico just to get us some peace. You're getting to be like cockroaches after the lights have flipped on for the rest of us, Californians--none of us knows where to aim the shoe first anymore. We just close our eyes and swing and know we'll hit a few thousand of you.

And do you say, "Oops! Sorry! Didn't mean to make your property taxes skyrocket like that!" and slink away in shame like decent people would? You do not! You get all mad at US, as if it were our fault your state got to be just a little too number-one to actually live in!

"Aieee! I used to be a dot-commer!"

"Aieee! I lost my house in an earthquake!"

"Aieee! I was never able to afford a house in the first place! I'm sixty fucking years old!"

"Aieee! A buncha Bubbas from Enron just played my state's energy market like a poker chip!"

"Aieee! Landslides!"

"Aieee! Wildfires!"

"Aieee! Pollution!"

"Aieee! Governator!"

Oh, sure, that's a mighty fine number-one state you got there, Californians!

NOW STAY IN IT.

This has been a Public Service Announcement from the rest of the motherfucking country.

Popcorn: The Extremely Noisy Killer

Popcorn being sold in the shape of Death's Icy Grip

A pulmonary specialist at Denver's National Jewish Medical and Research Center has written to federal agencies to say doctors there believe they have the first case of a consumer who developed lung disease from the fumes of microwaving popcorn several times a day for years.

This is pretty much Exhibit A in my theory that everything will eventually try to kill you.

Orville Redenbacher could not be reached for comment because he's dead. Coincidence...?!?!?

FULL STORY HERE

I understand Brian May was kinda pissed*

This being the internet and all, I'm sure everyone's already seen this 100 times, but in case you hadn't, here's Electric Six with their version of Radio Ga Ga by Queen:



Thanks to Rick for inflicting this on me.

*He does sort of look like a poodle in silhouette...