I love it when we're cruisin' together

I'm guessing Jose is the one with the facial hair.

(Via CraigC.)

So, did she Spitzer swallow?

I've been holding onto that one all day long.

I know, I know, probably should've kept holding onto it.




Well, that's really the only joke I have about the whole "I'm gonna bust up all the whoring around except for, you know, when I wanna do it - and hey, you're not recording this, are you?" Eliot Spitzer deal. I don't even know that much about it. Except that I thought it was pretty funny when it popped into my head earlier. In my defense, I was breathing a lot of paint fumes. Today was my day off.

I don't think I'd ever pay for a hooker. I'd keep thinking about all the DVDs and video games I could've bought instead, and the whole thing would turn out a lot like those games at Wal-Mart where you get the prize almost to the top and then it falls out of the claw but you can still see it on top of the prize pile, laughing at you. And then the Price Is Right fail music plays.

Five thousand dollars. A $5000 hooker better drive me around like Miss Daisy for at least six months. And bathe me. And fix my truck. And do my shopping. And cook. Besides all the constant sex.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that I'm never getting married.

St. Patrick's Day is coming!

And, really, what better way to say, "Slap A Restraining Order On Me, I'm Irish," than with one of these, er, treats? That special someone in whose bushes you've been lurking will be...charmed, I'm sure.

The best part is that the next day, you can just blame it on the fact that you were drunk off your ass!

Suggested Pen Names for the Aspiring Stripper-Screenwriter

Now that Diablo Cody's all over the damned place lately, I got to thinking about other names strippers with a story to tell (and doesn't every stripper have a story to tell?) can use, to maybe do a little coattail-riding and hopefully write themselves away from a life of bacteria-coated dollar bills being crammed into the ass crack of their thongs while being vomited on by middle-aged alcoholic businessmen. If you've got the talent, maybe you could have those bacteria-coated dollar bills crammed into the ass crack of your thong while being vomited on by middle-aged alcoholic Hollywood Producers!

Diablo Cody is a badass stripper-turned-author name. You need a badass stripper-turned-author name which reminds people of Diablo Cody and all that Juno money, so you can maybe score a direct-to-dvd gig which Blockbuster will place on the shelf next to Juno in the hopes that stupid people will rent it without realizing the difference.

Feel free to use any of these stripper names in the byline of your next heartfelt screenplay about a quirky girl getting into trouble and becoming a woman too fast:

Purgatory Porscha

Mephistopheles Montana

Lucifer Lapdance

Dusty Diabolique

Bambi Belial

Her Satanic Majesty Taffy

Houston Hellish

Tiffany, Princess of Darkness

Whisper Wormwood

Beelzebubbles

Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.

The candyman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good...

Who can take a sunrise?

Sprinkle it in dew?

Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two?

...

Yeah.

That link? On the border of not being safe for work. Hint: Chocolate Party Hats.

I don't really have any other jokes for this. Do I really need any?