This Blog Smells Funny

Dennis Haysbert has a stranglehold on reality

2008-07-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/2008-07-01-haysbert-obama_N.htm

"If anything, my portrayal of David Palmer, I think, may have helped open the eyes of the American people," said the actor, who has contributed $2,300 to the Illinois Democrat's presidential campaign.

"And I mean the American people from across the board — from the poorest to the richest, every color and creed, every religious base — to prove the possibility there could be an African-American president, a female president, any type of president that puts the people first," he said Tuesday.

next up, Tiny Lister speaks about how his role as the first black Galactic President paves the way for future black Galactic Presidents

jesus jumping christ just make this motherfucker an obama rosary already and get it over with

$2300 IS LIKE A FUCKING BURGER COMBO IN HOLLYWOOD

Ho at Liquor Sto Crams Hooch in Cooch

2008-04-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

Talk about a Dirty Martini:

God bless Google ads

2008-04-03T02:06:00.000-07:00

A while back, I decided that I might be able to get some beer and smokes money by placing Google ads on my other blog. The fact that I've only made something like a buck and change, due to the fact that nobody gives a damn about my abject poverty isn't why I'm mentioning this. But you're all a bunch of bastards for ignoring my needs. Really.

The reason I'm posting this here, besides the fact that the good folks at Google told me that the content of my other blog would determine what ads showed up there, is the fact that this is pure, unadultarated comedy gold:

Damn. You've gotta love teh internets.

I love it when we're cruisin' together

2008-03-13T22:53:00.000-07:00

I'm guessing Jose is the one with the facial hair.

(Via CraigC.)

So, did she Spitzer swallow?

2008-03-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

I've been holding onto that one all day long.

I know, I know, probably should've kept holding onto it.

Well, that's really the only joke I have about the whole "I'm gonna bust up all the whoring around except for, you know, when I wanna do it - and hey, you're not recording this, are you?" Eliot Spitzer deal. I don't even know that much about it. Except that I thought it was pretty funny when it popped into my head earlier. In my defense, I was breathing a lot of paint fumes. Today was my day off.

I don't think I'd ever pay for a hooker. I'd keep thinking about all the DVDs and video games I could've bought instead, and the whole thing would turn out a lot like those games at Wal-Mart where you get the prize almost to the top and then it falls out of the claw but you can still see it on top of the prize pile, laughing at you. And then the Price Is Right fail music plays.

Five thousand dollars. A $5000 hooker better drive me around like Miss Daisy for at least six months. And bathe me. And fix my truck. And do my shopping. And cook. Besides all the constant sex.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that I'm never getting married.

St. Patrick's Day is coming!

2008-03-10T01:35:00.000-07:00

And, really, what better way to say, "Slap A Restraining Order On Me, I'm Irish," than with one of these, er, treats? That special someone in whose bushes you've been lurking will be...charmed, I'm sure.

The best part is that the next day, you can just blame it on the fact that you were drunk off your ass!

Suggested Pen Names for the Aspiring Stripper-Screenwriter

2008-03-03T06:18:00.000-08:00

Now that Diablo Cody's all over the damned place lately, I got to thinking about other names strippers with a story to tell (and doesn't every stripper have a story to tell?) can use, to maybe do a little coattail-riding and hopefully write themselves away from a life of bacteria-coated dollar bills being crammed into the ass crack of their thongs while being vomited on by middle-aged alcoholic businessmen. If you've got the talent, maybe you could have those bacteria-coated dollar bills crammed into the ass crack of your thong while being vomited on by middle-aged alcoholic Hollywood Producers!

Diablo Cody is a badass stripper-turned-author name. You need a badass stripper-turned-author name which reminds people of Diablo Cody and all that Juno money, so you can maybe score a direct-to-dvd gig which Blockbuster will place on the shelf next to Juno in the hopes that stupid people will rent it without realizing the difference.

Feel free to use any of these stripper names in the byline of your next heartfelt screenplay about a quirky girl getting into trouble and becoming a woman too fast:

Purgatory Porscha

Mephistopheles Montana

Lucifer Lapdance

Dusty Diabolique

Bambi Belial

Her Satanic Majesty Taffy

Houston Hellish

Tiffany, Princess of Darkness

Whisper Wormwood

Beelzebubbles

Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.

The candyman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good...

2008-03-03T05:27:00.000-08:00

Who can take a sunrise?

Sprinkle it in dew?

Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two?

...

Yeah.

That link? On the border of not being safe for work. Hint: Chocolate Party Hats.

I don't really have any other jokes for this. Do I really need any?

Another Berkeley story

2007-12-07T01:40:00.000-08:00

My previous Berkeley story can be found here. Stick with this all the way through for a twist ending. You won't be sorry.

Let us hearken back to a more innocent time. Namely, August of 1994. That was when I left the SoCal roost of my parents' home and headed north to the Bay Area with my clothes, my CD collection, a newish computer, and a hot pot, to move into the dorms in Berkeley. My folks helped me to move into a newly renovated dorm room, and then I was anxious to see them out of town so I could begin experiencing college.

Now, the first week there, before classes start, is called "Welcome Week," and it's primarily meant to help the impressionable freshmen to acclimate to life in the dorm system. The residential staff tell the wet-behind-the-ears newbies about how the dining halls work, offer to take them on fun-filled excursions around the campus and the SF Bay area at large (avoiding Oakland, for the most part), and explain the rules for living in the dorms. The latter included stern lectures about how drugs and drinking would not be tolerated inside the dorms. Well, drinking would be, but only if you were 21 or older. And not many of us were.

Did that deter us? Of course not! The word was that one night, a guy named Alonzo was going to have a bash in his room with plenty of booze, and about forty or so kids showed up, myself included. I don't really know where Alonzo got all his liquor (the rumor was that his dad had provided it) but we got a nice party going. I was chatting up a good-looking girl when there was a knock at the door.

Now, since we were stupid kids, we hadn't figured that about forty people in a room that was supposed to accommodate two would draw the attention of the Resident Assistants (RAs), but it did. And one of them, Jeff, was at the door. Alonzo got everyone to hide their drinks, and when Jeff came in to shoot the shit, we thought everything was cool, since he didn't ask us if there was any alcohol in the room. Some of us (myself included) had even engaged Jeff in conversation. Which, having been drinking lightweights at the time, was a bad idea, in retrospect.

But Jeff left, and the drinks came out again, and the party continued. The good-looking girl moved on to talk to another dude, who later became one of my best friends, and I continued drinking. Although I was a little bitter about having the hottie distracted by some jerk, I was still having a good time.

That's when there was another knock on the door.

Alonzo went to the door again, looked through the peephole, and told everyone that Jeff had returned with another RA, Bill, who seemed less cool than Jeff. Everyone hid their booze again, and the RAs were let into the room.

Bill took charge, saying that he knew there was drinking going on in the room, and that the party would have to be broken up before he called the Fire Marshal, who would come down on us hard if we refused to disperse. Bill and Jeff took down the names of all the students who left the room, checking their student IDs.

Later, there were hearings about whether or not people were drinking alcohol at the party, and I learned a valuable lesson from those hearings. I'd always been told that "honesty is the best policy," but I found out that was a bunch of crap. You see, I was one of five people out of the huge group who admitted to drinking that night, and the rest got off scot-free. The five of us who did the right (stupid, in retrospect) thing were forced to put on a "Substance-free program," which ultimately consisted of renting a tape of "Bright Lights, Big City," showing it in the lounge, and telling the people who showed up (many of whom had sports bottles full of vodka) that drugs and alcohol were bad.

I'm sure you're wondering what the hell you've been reading this for, since it's a story about a bunch of eighteen-year-old idiots getting drunk in a dorm room. Well, like Paul Harvey's listeners, you're about to hear "the rest of the story." For, you see, Jeff, the Resident Assistant who first came to check on the party was this guy.

I shit thee not. But he never did his famous dance for us, so we were kind of gypped.

This blog smells dead

2007-12-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

But isn't. It's just resting.

I'll see about getting the paddles out and giving it a jump sometime this week.

This blog is in the Twilight Zone

2007-11-08T03:05:00.000-08:00

Now, I can read whatever I want to read! Like this blog.

[bends down to read blog, glasses fall and break]

It's not fair! There was time! Time to read This Blog Smells Funny!

[cue ironic Rod Serling voice over]

...in the joke-less zone.

So very, very wrong

2007-10-14T23:30:00.000-07:00

From Talkshow with Spike Feresten.

Two great tastes, together at last!

2007-10-12T01:46:00.000-07:00

Do you love lolcats? Do you love Lovecraft? If you answered yes to both (and I know you did), I give you...LOLTHULHU!

(H/T: maggie.)

Traveled down the road and back again...

2007-10-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

Before you click this link, ask yourself: "How brave am I, really? Are there sights which cannot be unseen? Can I live with night terrors for the rest of my life? If I go blind in one eye, will the other eye grow stronger to compensate? How will I ever be able to face my children again? Those veins, so many, are they a cryptic roadmap of the highways leading to Hell? If I do not click this link, am I a pussy?"

The answer to that last question is: Yes, yes you are.

Click it. Don't be a pussy. Thank you for being a friend.

Random WTF Ads From Olden Times

2007-10-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

click to enlarge

Meeting the Mayor of Crazytown

2007-09-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, there are drawbacks to being an ordinary, decent human being.

F'rinstance, let's say you want to go out to have a few drinks and a good time with some friends. So you go to a bar and sit down to the right of a perfect stranger who, without warning, begins to rave and gibber at you about how everyone's out to get her, how her plate of ribs was too expensive ("Thirteen bucks! Can you believe that? I don't have that kind of money!"), how her husband is a stupid fat lying jerk keeping her from her children, how her roommate (a Dutch-Indonesian "bulldyge") called her a whore and wants to kick her ass for no apparent reason, how she was once a "Hollywood actress" and was going to get back into acting if her stupid fat lying jerk husband wasn't sabotaging things, how she just got a job as a schoolteacher, how she spent all day in the hot sun selling flowers on the street (the schoolteacher job doesn't provide enough cash for ribs and beer, apparently), how she's smarter than everyone, how beautiful her son is but she doesn't have any pictures because her stupid fat lying jerk husband put them in storage and made her pay for the rent, how beautiful she still is at 45 ("Did I tell you I was 45?"), etc. until you want to take her by the shoulders, shake her as hard as you possibly can, and scream at the top of your lungs, "LISTEN HERE, LADY: YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T KICK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU BECAUSE HE'S JUST A BIG, STUPID JERK! HE DID THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE A BUG-EYED, BATSHIT CRAZY FUCKING BITCH! YOU. ARE. INSANE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! SHUT THE HELL UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

But instead, you simply smile a wan little smile, nod at her, and say things like, "Oh, really?" and, "Ah, I see," or, "Is that so?" Because you're an ordinary, decent human being.

God, it sucks to be an ordinary, decent human being sometimes.

First Zombies, Now Renegade Ninja Chicks

2007-09-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

First THIS HAPPENS, and now Ninja Chicks are robbing gas stations. The world is either turning into a video game, or a Golan-Globus movie from 1985.

I love the astute observation from Police Chief Robert Amann at the end:

"Those, uh, swords, uh, daggers, uh, whatever they may have been carrying, they can be used to seriously harm our victim, so, uh, it's a very serious crime."

Thanks, Columbo!

Kneel before Zod!

2007-09-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

At last! A presidential candidate worthy of my obeisance.

General Zod 2008

I especially like that he's thought of the children. From his Kids Page:

Fun with math
1. Mommy and Daddy did not give General Zod all of their worldly possessions, so they were sentenced to 5000 days in prison. How many years is this? (Hint: There are 365 days in a year)
2. Non drops a man from a height of 20,000 feet. If the man falls at 200 feet per second, how many seconds will it take for him to hit the ground?
3. An uprising occurs in a city with 100,000 people and one percent of them are jailed. If 100 people can be re-educated in one month, how long will it take before everybody is free again?
4. If a country's gross national product (the value of all the goods and services it produces) is $100 million and all of it is given in tribute to General Zod, how much interest will General Zod make in one year if General Zod sets a 60% interest rate?
5. If each person on the Planet Houston knows five informants, and it takes ten minutes to relay a report, how quickly will General Zod learn about his picture being defaced in a town of 500 people?

It's A Charo Monday

2007-09-24T08:32:00.000-07:00

At least the weather forecast didn't include flavored rain

2007-09-24T01:52:00.000-07:00

The local Fox station had a super-newsworthy report on tonight's Ten O'clock News on...Tay Zonday. And no, I'm not kidding. Tomorrow night's exposé on the "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" controversy should prove to be even more hard-hitting.

Bear in mind that the station's promos for this newscast talk about how they get stories "the other guys can't...or are afraid to." Yeah.

and then the midget shit himself

2007-09-20T13:48:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling under the weather and needed some entertainment. So I turned to R. Kelly. Just a little something beautiful I thought I'd share with you.

Then Bridget bust in the kitchen with a double barrel
sayin "james i can't let you do this" Then he looks at her and says what?
You shoot me for this fuckin midget?
she says "I love him" The midget say No, Bridget!

Oh, R. Kelly, you crazy child molester, you. If we didn't know better, we might think you were trying for an insanity defense at your next trial.

Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Look on YouTube for the latest chapters. I don't want to watch them because I'm afraid they just won't live up to the magnum opus of Chapter 10.

Yeah, I know it's old...

2007-09-20T01:50:00.000-07:00

...but this thing still cracks me up.

(By the way, if you don't get it, that's a good thing. It means you're not anywhere near as colossal a dork as I am.)

It's A Sideshow World...

2007-09-17T06:32:00.001-07:00

I'm not gonna make a habit out of hyping my own stuff on here, but this is special, and some of it will be humor-related (there's dark humor laced throughout all of it, really).

The freakStomp Novelties official blog, The Barker's Blog, launches today:

http://sideshowbarker.blogspot.com/

Every Monday through Friday, there'll be something entertaining posted there. Behind the Scenes artwork, freaky facts and trivia, magic tricks, weird stories, comic strips, contests, and "friends of freakStomp" which will spotlight any photos you send in of yourselves wearing or holding freakStomp merchandise. Our weekly featurette, Freak of the Week, featuring real-life human oddities illustrated by Rick Eller (RelleR) and Leo daWolf, launches the festivities. It's hosted by The Barker, and that guy, well...he's out there in the out there.

This Friday there'll be something of particular interest to fans of Golden Age comics and corny humor, so be sure and check that out.

So go and tell The Barker hello, and remember to keep checking it out Monday through Friday. Add it to your blogroll or link section or whatever. Have fun!

Oh, yeah, as soon as we figure out what the hell we're doing technically and find the time, our podcast, the freakStomp Novelties Revival Tent, will be hitting the airwaves.

/crass commercialism

I would make an "Agony of De Feet" joke...

2007-09-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

...but that would be pretty friggin' lame.

Suffice it to say, if you have an orifice you wish to have filled, or wish to fill an orifice yourself, some enterprising business out there probably has you covered on the silicone front.

So if you have a spare $105 and you're a goddamned freak, you might want to check this out.

NOT. SAFE. FOR. WORK.

Plus, you only get one. What a rip.

Although, if I were visiting relatives out of town this holiday season and I had money to burn, I would totally buy one of those and make sure it fell out of a pocket or a bag right in front of everyone about five minutes after I got there. Or maybe I'd save it until everyone sat down for dinner, and let it drop on the table as I reached for some candied yams or something. I like my holidays to be filled with awkward silences.

The decline and fall of Western Civilization: drugstore edition

2007-09-15T02:07:00.000-07:00

So, my mom went to the local CVS the other day, where she picked up various items which cost $21.48. She handed the cashier exactly twenty-two bucks in good old American greenbacks. The girl behind the register, apparently baffled by this non-exact-change transaction had to go find a calculator to figure out the correct change, and in my dear old mother's words, "she had trouble with the calculator, too." I honestly have no idea why the cash register didn't tell her that she had to dish out 52 cents.

Anyway, I would like to welcome our new alien, Morlock, or Chinese overlords, whichever the case may be. Because we're totally screwed.